A week has gone by, and after having the flu I feel much better....on most things...
I'm trying to explain how hard it is to run a ship by yourself when you really have no one else you can count on other than your band members....it's impossible to stay positive 24/7 when you're $5K in debt (personally) after an inaugural tour and manage a mail order business on top of a touring band.....at my age, this isn't all about cocktails and pussy....it never was.
I feel mortality knocking at my door, and I know in just a few years I'm gonna have to let go of this life-style for good because at my age anything can happen, and my health just will not hold for much longer....I'm 50 years old, and a broken neck survivor who has "someone else's bones" in my neck....I'm lucky to even be walking let alone singing in a band and touring....it's a miracle and a gift to even be playing to just 60 kids on a Monday night let alone embarking on a tour of europe (even though your so-called tour-agency cannot budget a tour properly leaving everything in the RED).
I also have the mouth of a hockey player due to years of having a mic banged back into my teeth over and over....but this is HC and you do what you can....I'm always the smallest guy in the room but I never quit despite bruised ribs, cuts, etc.....in for a penny...in for a pound.
I'm on the road paying my band members out of my own pocket HOPING down the line I can re-coup....I have people in the industry side doing less than a half-assed job getting my music out on-time....they all want to co-opt this thing of ours, but they're really just weekend warriors with a hobby, it seems.....THIS IS MY LIFE and MY EVERYTHING.....every time I get back in it I AM ALL OUT....I cannot do this part-time because it consumes too much of my time....try managing a band, while trying to earn a living, care for your 70-year old mother every day, volunteer your time caring for a service dog (I also volunteer my time in addiction/recovery treatment, and patient's rights/advocacy), and spend time with your loved ones and family.....there is never enough time in the day.
It takes time to find the right people who are consistent and reliable.....we have too many people in the game here that fail to keep their word with you.....but they expect you to 'do the right thing' and it's the saddest joke running....it's like running for your life with a busted leg.
What keeps me going? The desire to be out there performing to people who have such love/respect for your music and this lifestyle we all share....to hear from people that tell me how my words(and the music I do with others) helped them endure the toughest moments in their lives and inspired or influenced them....it's just like my volunteer work....contributing to someone else's life and making a positive connection that actually changes a life/lives for the better.....that's a feeling of accomplishment to me....it goes beyond the reality I'm in as I try and keep a roof over my head.
After I took control of my life I still felt compelled to share whatever I had with anyone who asked despite the personal cost physically, mentally, and financially.....a stand-up man NEVER receives as much as he gives or shares.
I could have easily went on tour as LEEWAY....and cheat/lie to my fans/friends and made (maybe) enough money to balance the books better.....but my ego and wallet isn't everything, to me.....I'll leave that to the manipulative dudes that call their current line-ups the same name and they can bullshit the average fan... I can't and will not.
LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER ONE is too cut and dry of an expression for a musical lifestyle, movement, or brotherhood....it works well if you're in a trench war.
Back in the day when Rock n Roll was just hitting the music industry the adage was SCREW or BE SCREWED and we had characters like Phil Spector, Allen Klein, Peter Grant who helped change the game for bands/artists, but they also were hucksters out for themselves only using their clients for personal gain......and only a few bands who came out of our thing are actually financially capable of living the actual dream....the rest of us fight and claw our way through every day hoping to make it through.
I just read someone else's blog as he ranted about whether he (or his replacement) is a better performer/artist, and it epitomizes how so many are in this ONLY FOR THEMSELVES....there is no I in 'band' or 'team'....you simply cannot do this by yourself....it takes a group...a band of brothers and sisters.....A TEAM.....it made me wonder....is this person raising his children to be the same, nasty, egotistical, narcissistic, bully he grew up to be? Are they growing up in the same poisonous, dysfunctional environment you fought to escape from? Apparently so.....and that's the sad reality of recidivism.
I'm big enough to always admit where I'm at fault and I try to man up for everything I did wrong(and this is why I never feel as if I'm better than anyone, really)....I also try very hard to learn from each of each and every one of my many mistakes....I fall down constantly, but I get up, brush myself off and wash my scrapes and bruises and jump right back in the fray.....and most of the time it's done STANDING ALONE and taking a beating....not everything in life can be settled and worked through with friends(or crew) getting your back.
That's exactly the point....if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.....yet, not all the time is this possible and you need your friends, fans, family, and crew to step up, be reliable, consistent, and SEE IT THROUGH.
A lot of people are counting on me, and I simply refuse to let any one of them down....yes, I need a great deal of help, and no matter how hard this is along with the stress, anger, and being sick to my stomach I WILL SEE THIS THROUGH....I also add I will try my best to also keep my hands to myself because believe me I have a sincere desire to destroy more than one person's patella(pick a knee...L or R) so as much as I feel I'm being forced to make an example of someone fukkin me over I'm going to keep trying my hardest to be an adult and not flip or set shit off on someone.....but it's so very hard to contain when you feel fukked over and violated.....I just hope I'm strong enough when the time comes(many are ducking me and not getting back to me)....because most of you can surely kick my ass...but that still doesn't mean I'm so very capable of hurting each and every individual out there even if you're the size of Frankenstein....you'll find yourself 'thinking of me' every limping step you take if you don't get your act together....I can see making the same mistake once, or twice......but 3 times then you and I have something that needs to be sorted or you are out...do not make me put you down....and out.
It would be a perfect world if we all could just have more "fair play" in this so-called business and industry.....but you have to take a good look at where everyone came from....most were and are impoverished and lacking education.....I never had the opportunity for higher education, but thankfully I had a college-level reading level at 11 yrs/age so I educated myself through the years (and still don't know half of everything)....my point being whether you're a brokester or a spoiled rich kid (who doesn't understand what it's like to go without) we need to understand and respect each other in order to work together.....this is the dialogue I want to establish, and do it peacefully.
Treat people the way you want to be treated....make amends, or face the consequences.
So take my words to heart, please.....life is too fleeting to be stressed and angry when what we're doing here is supposed to be a movement and lifestyle....this thing of ours, HC*
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